When taking care of everyone else means losing yourself

Do you say yes when you really want to say no?

Do you worry about disappointing people, feel responsible for how other people feel, or find yourself doing things you don't really want to do just to keep the peace?

Maybe you're the dependable one. The helpful one. The one who can always be counted on. You anticipate what other people need, make allowances, accommodate, smooth things over and try not to be "difficult."

And somewhere along the way, you stopped being a priority in your own life.

People-pleasing isn't simply about being nice. It can become a way of living in which other people's feelings, needs, opinions and expectations carry more weight than your own.

Over time, you may become resentful, exhausted or anxious. You may struggle to make decisions without wondering what someone else will think. You may not even be sure what you want anymore.

How did I get here?

People-pleasing often makes sense when we understand where it came from.

Perhaps being helpful, agreeable or easygoing helped you feel loved or accepted. Maybe you grew up trying to keep the peace, caring for other people, avoiding conflict or believing that being a "good" daughter, partner, mother, friend or employee meant putting yourself last.

What once helped you navigate relationships can eventually become a pattern that costs you too much.

Therapy isn't about blaming your past or the people in it. It's about understanding the patterns you've carried forward so you can decide whether they still belong in your life.

What we can work on together

Our work may include recognizing your particular people-pleasing patterns and what triggers them; understanding the beliefs underneath them; noticing where guilt, fear or responsibility for other people takes over; and learning to pause before automatically saying yes.

We'll also work on identifying your own needs, wants, values and preferences; expressing yourself more directly; tolerating the discomfort that sometimes comes with disappointing someone; and developing greater confidence in your own decisions.

Most importantly, we'll work on shifting the belief that taking care of yourself means you don't care about other people.

You can love people deeply without continually abandoning yourself for them.

What can change?

The goal isn't to turn you into someone who doesn't care what anyone thinks.

It's to help you become someone who considers herself too.

You may begin to say no without spending the next three days feeling guilty about it. Make decisions without polling everyone around you first. Recognize when you're taking responsibility for something that isn't actually yours. Have more energy for your own goals and interests.

And perhaps most importantly, you can begin building a life in which you're no longer missing from the equation.

You don't have to stop being kind, caring or generous.

You just don't have to keep paying for those qualities with yourself.